I wonder who I would be. I could be some sassy kick ass girl that doesn't take any crap from anyone. Or the vixen that always gets the free drinks and the guys at the end of the night. I could be quiet and mysterious, the talk of the town. Maybe I would go for the life of the party, no fear or inhibitions. I wouldn't be weak, I wouldn't get hurt, I wouldn't cry, and I wouldn't be so angry. But, it doesn't work that way. It never does. Because ghosts catch up, and your old self never really dies. So I stay. And I stay the girl I am and always have been. I don't know how to be anyone else, and it's about damn time I accept it. I will stay and face the hurt of disappointment, I will stay and fight the temptation of resentment. I will stay and simply get over it.
The only thing more extraordinary than our fear of moving is our fear of staying. We don't want to settle. To miss out on the next best thing would be disastrous. To settle is death. So we are willing to let go of what we have on the hope that there is something better out there. This is why sometimes I really piss myself off. And this is why he pisses me off to this day. "Making it work" is unacceptable, so we run as far away as we can. We are cowards disguised as ambitious, adventurous and free spirited.
Dream big, and if you don't make it it's because you didn't want it bad enough. But, in all honesty sometimes, no matter what you do, dreams don't come true. That was never promised to us. No where was there a contract signed that said "If you work really hard, and do all the right things then all your dreams will come true". Yet, we tell ourselves this and let ourselves feel completely deflated when our dreams don't happen. And to be crudely honest, I think that's a load of shit. What morons we can be.
How many of us go through each day looking for something better and not seeing what we have? Contentment is the enemy. And you think I'm saying not to try or fight for anything. You think I'm saying "settle" because it doesn't get better. That's not what I'm saying at all. Yes, work hard, better yourself in anyway you can. But, instead of looking for a better place or life, find the beauty of where you are right now. Be great in the place you currently find yourself. The truth is, if you aren't great where you are right now, you won't be great in any other place. That's what being a light is, that's what makes certain people shine, the ones who are remembered for doing extraordinary things. They are able to be extraordinary no matter where they are.
I don't follow through. I don't shine. I once was told I had no spark. That above anything else that has been said to me, hurt the most. It hurt because deep down I fear it's true. Everyday I struggle to swallow this fear and to just get moving. But, as soon as I get three steps ahead I stop and slowly walk back. God has been too good to me. I haven't kept up my end of the deal with Him, and even still He has kept His promise. I don't deserve that. Grace is a funny thing. It is so incredible and beautiful, but I question it and why it's used on me.
We pray for faith, but avoid using it. We pray for strength and expect a lightening bolt, but won't take any action where we can call upon it to use. The first step is the hardest and we avoid like the plague. And we do this knowing that if we took that first step, and used complete faith that we'll make it to the second step, that we'll have strength to get to the third. And pretty soon we end up exactly where we are supposed to be. True happiness. True freedom from the weight upon our backs, from working so hard and not having a clue as to what we are working for.
I'm tired and sad. Typing this is my version of a long drive on a summer's night. I feel like I've rambled and don't even want to read this to see if it makes sense. I just needed to use what little voice I have at the moment. I had almost forgotten that no one is born extraordinary. I've used that as an excuse for my defeats. Extraordinary people are quite ordinary actually. They just took that first step. I'll find my spark. I'll remember to ask Him what to do with it. There are things for me to do. There are things for you to do. And it's time to get moving. It's time for you to shine now, it's been that time for awhile. I'll remember to shine, too.
No matter where I am.
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