The Perfect Man

David Bell was my very first crush. It was kindergarten at Chambers Elementary in Houston. He was in my class and he was perfect. David Bell was everything a five year old girl could want in a five and a half year old boy: never ate glue, never picked his nose, nice to girls, had brown hair to match his deep brown eyes, and he had two perfectly placed dimples that lit up the room when he smiled. I hearted him immensely. Of course I never made this known. And I'm sure that he never noticed me staring at him awkwardly and then quickly jerking my head in the other direction when he looked back at me...multiple times throughout the day. Actually, now that I think about it, I wonder if he remembers me as "that girl in kindergarten who may have had tourettes". Needless to say, we never spoke to each other. I guess I was waiting for that perfect moment with the right words to say, and then we would become the "it" couple of Chambers Elementary. Having a boyfriend in kindergarten was the best because it meant the boy let the girl have his turn on the swings. So I really wanted him to like me.

Then the perfect opportunity came in the form of the Valentines Day school recital. David Bell was chosen to sing "Let Me Call You Sweetheart". Not only to sing it, but to sing it wearing a suit, holding a rose, and to a girl sitting on a stool. The best part was at the end of the song he would kiss the girl on the cheek! I was estatic. This would be my perfect moment. Not only was I a girl, I had cheeks, and no one could sit on a stool better than I could (just ask my parents). A handful of girls and I "auditioned" for the part of sweetheart. I was focused and determined to be the chosen one. Evidentally so was the short girl in the seat in front of me. She had a bad bob hair cut, wore knee high socks, and her glasses were thick enough to serve as coasters. I don't know what happened or why the teacher hated me so much, but 'bad bob hair cut' girl was chosen over me. I was placed in a chorus for some song I don't remember. What I do remember is being backstage, watching my David Bell sing my song to 'thick coaster glasses' girl, giving her my rose, and then kissing her on what should have been my cheek. I was devastated. And although it wasn't his fault - I was done with my first perfect guy. David Bell has the honor of being my first crush and my first heartache.

I did not let this heartache make me bitter and turn me into the middle school girl with all the cats. I rose above, and found love again. Their names were William Katt, Hans Solo, and Charles Ingalls (not the actual Charles Ingalls, the one played by Michael Landon). And yes, really: William Katt from The Greatest American Hero. I fell in love with his curly golden locks of hair, his sense of humor, and the way he rocked those red tights. Unfortunately the show was canceled after three seasons, so I had to end that relationship. But then Hans Solo came into my life. He was perfect because he always kept his cool, had snappy come-backs, and knew how to fly cool ships. Plus he wasn't near as whiny as Luke. I tried to be all Princess Leia and do the two bun thing. It was not successful, but I did try. Along with my hotties William Katt and Hans, I fell in love with Charles Ingalls. He embodied everything I thought a perfect man to be. That man knew his Bible, could chop some wood, fight outlaws, and passionately kiss Carolyn Ingalls all in one episode. Perfection.

Looking back as an adult it seems these three have little in common. And if these childhood crushes are to serve as a map to what I'm looking for in a man today - it's no wonder I'm still single at thirty-four. Evidentally I like men who can quote scripture while they build log cabins wearing a red unitard and have awkwardly hairy freinds. I gotta tell you - those kind of men are hard to come by.

All that said, I am not on a quest for the perfect guy. It wouldn't be fair because I am far from the perfect girl. I'm actually sort of a mess. A fun-loving, charming mess; but still a mess. In fact, I have broken two bones in my body: my right arm in 3rd grade, and my left leg in 2007. Both times were because I was trying something stupid to impress a boy. Neither were impressed by the way. Therefore, what you see is what you get; I'm running out of limbs (my apologies to any future potential manfriend).

A man I dated shortly awhile back once asked me, "what do you want?" We had been discussing our relationship status or if there even was a relationship to have as a status. The question caught me off guard. It had been awhile since I really thought about what I wanted, and I thought it'd be awkward if I blurted out, "William Katt". Also, there had never been a list for what constituted 'a perfect guy' or 'the guy I want'. If I had to make one I guess it might look like this:

• fidelity
• not a serial killer
• lets me have the last piece of pizza
• shows interest 
• will tell me about his day, and let me tell him about mine

I fumbled around with my actual answer and can't even really remember what I said. But by the end of the conversation he expressed he wasn't ready to be exclusive and I just wanted some coffee - so that didn't really work out.

I do have a reputation of being a romantic. My ex manfriend used to joke that all I did was day dream about unicorns and rainbows all day. Which, in my defense, is not the worst thing in the world to day dream about. Rainbows happen to be very pretty and unicorns are mystical creatures. I also love a good romantic comedy and most power ballads; I just can't help myself. And indeed, if you were to ask me what I wanted two or three years ago, I probably would have answered "I want love". But I've realized I already have an abundance of love. There is an incredible group of people in my life who love me, even when I don't make it easy. It has been this group of people who listen to me  without judgement, pray for me continously, and encourage me when I'm down. I am surrounded by love. There is no shortage of it in my life. And for me to think that I am somehow lacking because I don't have a "someone special" is a disservice to them and to myself.

The truth is I don't believe in soul mates as far as 'there is one particular person out there for each of us and the universe is working throughout our lives to bring us together'. Basically I don't believe in the movie Serendipty (although I love it and will watch it anytime it's on TNT; and Gladiator, I watch Gladiator every time it's on TNT. But I'm getting off subject). I don't believe that there is a "one" out there for each of us. If we meet someone and like being around them and are willing and have the desire to put in the effort to keep that person in our lives (as long as they are putting in the same amount of effort), then at the point of making that commitment - of saying "I do" - that person then becomes our soul mate. I also believe that sometimes we don't meet someone, or things don't work out. Not all of us end up with a great romantic love story. And I think that is just fine. Being single is no tragedy, and actually has a lot of perks. Especially around tax season when I get to claim 'head of household'.

Now don't take all this as me rejecting the idea of being in a relationship, or knocking romance. I have been in love before. And it was great. Although it didn't work out, I have no regret or bitterness about the time I had with him. Not to get all "inspirational facebook post" on you; but I truly believe love is the greatest thing we have to give. I feel lucky to have had the opportunity to love him, and would never change feeling that way.
And as an aside: if you love someone you should tell them. Even if they may not love you. Because time is too short and precious to waste on fear or insecurity. I think everyone deserves to know if they are loved, even if those feelings are not recipocated.

If I was asked today, "what do you want?" from a relationship, my answer would be "simplicity". I don't have to have fireworks or be swept off my feet. Some of the best examples in my life of 'good couples' are the quiet ones. The couples who talk to each other and can be themselves around each other, who realize every fight isn't the end of the world, who can roll their eyes at the other's annoying quirks and move on, who realize they are not in the relationship to complete the other but to advocate for them - those are the ones I know will make it. That is the kind of relationship I want - simple, equal, and selfless. And if you were to ask me what kind of man I want, the above list still stands with maybe the addition of the following:

• truthful
• is not a Kid Rock fan
• puts forth effort
• wonderfully flawed
• lets me be wonderfully flawed

And if he happens to know the words to the song "Let Me Call You Sweetheart"; well that'd be almost perfect.

Dear Carl,

It's been awhile since you left us. I'm sorry it has taken so long to write you. Words don't come as easily to me as I would like. There seems to be so much I should say, but little time or ability to say them. Although, I think we both know that's just an excuse. I know where you are. I know there is peace, no disappointment, no cares, no pain.  You've always been patient.

I think of you often. There was distance between me and my dad while I was growing up. You filled that void. You filled the void beautifully. You and Rozelle are the reason magnolia trees make me smile, the reason I hear the different songs of birds, and the reason that even on the darkest of days I am still amazed by the smallest blooms.

You also taught me that shining your own shoes is an art; gardens are a refuge; one of the best ways to say 'I love you' is through homemade pies and  heart shaped pancakes; when family visits, every night should be popcorn and game night; love the Cardinals; and being a Christian means no matter how many times someone falls, you stand there and hold your hand out to help them back up. Thank you for helping me back up.

Rozelle still feels you with her. Since you left, her memory as worsened. She's never quite sure where she is or who is around her. But, even in the middle of her confusion, she'll mention that she still feels you with her.You should know that...you probably already do. She remembers you perfectly. And it is the most beautiful thing  when I see her face as she talks about you. She remembers everything.

As I write this, I know one day soon she'll go to where you are. I guess it is possible to have hurt and joy at the same time. She belongs with you, you belong to her. You married my hero. Which makes you my hero as well. And you two are the perfect example of what love should be. And you raised my mother, who is the strongest woman I have ever known.  I'm not sure why God let me be a part of this family, but I am sure of how grateful I am and that it is a gift.

Thank you. I wish I had more poetic words to say. I wish I could think of some extraordinary phrase that ties up all I feel about you perfectly. But, all there is is just gratefulness. So, thank you. Thank you for being the kind of man I want my son to grow up to be, and my daughter to have love her. Thank you for hearing God's voice and following through. Thank you for teaching us so much.

I'm glad you finally made it home. I know you held on for us. All you taught is still with us. It always will be.
We'll see you soon...

Love,
Angela

Christy Got Married

I went back to the home town for a wedding yesterday. One of my best high school friends got married. She was beautiful and truly looked happy. It took place at First Baptist Church, which was the church we attended when lived in Arkadelphia. I hadn't been there in thirteen years. It was nice. One of the few places where I don't have any overly embarrassing or bad memories. The church and, of course Mazzios pizza. But, who has bad memories at Mazzios...mm pizza...no, must focus.

Anyway, wedding went off without a hitch. Everyone that was supposed to be there was, none of the bridesmaids looked resentful, the groom didn't have that "where the hell am I?" look, no one tripped, the singer didn't choke and there was no awkward pause while they lit the unity candle. So all in all it was a great wedding.

The reception was nice too. I am a huge fan of wedding punch. It wouldn't take much for me to grab the punch bowl and chug it down like there's no tomorrow. But, I feel that might be a little frowned upon so I stuck with my eight refills instead. The wedding cake had a raspberry filling, so I was pretty happy about that too.

Most of my high school friend group was there. The majority I hadn't seen since 1996. It's weird how people can be so different and yet so much the same. All of them were married. Yep. As of yesterday at 2:45pm I am the last single person of that particular friend group. Good thing I now hang with people in their younger 20's who aren't "ready" or I might be depressed.

Actually, the single thing doesn't bother me. I don't really dwell on not being married too much. If it happens-great, if not-great. But, there is something about being surrounded by married people who are your age and graduated when you did that can be disconcerting. Most of them had kept in touch in some way. I just read their Facebook status. So I basically know when they're home from work and if they're tired, but nothing about their actual lives. I don't have alot in common with them anymore.

They all had babies. And that's what most of the conversation was about...their kids. And, yes, I know I have two kids. I had my two kids way before they had theirs (ha ha beat you!). But, for some reason I am not a good talker about babies. I spent a good portion of both pregnancies praying I would like mine and they wouldn't be those crazy crying kids. Well, God said okay and I like both of mine and they aren't crazy criers. So, I spent alot of my time standing on the outskirts of conversations, wondering around for coffee, the groom's cake and more punch. This is good because usually when I'm in an uncomfortable situation I start to ramble on and on about really trivial things I know and alot of times it ends with the phrase "and that's why I'm not sure how they could make a Buffy and Angel movie, I mean how would they work Spike in."

Although that said, I did have Holly. She was my very first friend when I moved to Arkadelphia. Although we weren't the closet of friends in high school, she was my BFF at the reception. She's married too, but no kids yet. And she had just enough sarcasm and humor to make me love her. I pretty much went where she did. Bless her heart. I latched onto her like a frat boy latches onto the last Bud light in the frat house.

Don't get me wrong. I enjoyed the wedding and the reception greatly. It was incredible to see Christy so happy. I made a lot of very bad decisions in high school, and one might say didn't have the greatest reputation, but this group of friends stayed my friends. So I loved seeing them with their spouses and kids, hearing about new jobs and opportunities. Seeing this made me truly happy. I'm the one with the problem. Yeah, I'm 31 years old, never married, two kids, just now a junior in college, and working part time as a stock girl. But I need to get over it. I'm working hard so those won't be my labels for much longer.

Of course, it's still a little unnerving when the mother of the bride comes into the room and yells out "I need all the single ladies, are there any single ladies? Christy is scared she won't have anyone to throw the bouquet to....oh hey Angela, aren't you eligible for this? Come on." She grabbed me and two tween girls. I didn't catch it.

All in all, a great day. Ms. Slavens and Mr. Patterson still hang out, Dr. Tranthum still plays the organ, Mr. Kolb still makes friends with everyone he meets, Mary Elizabeth is still the cheeriest person I know, Holly is my new BFF, and I got to witness one of my best friends in love and committing her life to it. It was a great wedding.

Oh Weaverbirds, What Is It You Have To Teach Us?

On this Valentine's day I read a chapter on Women's Long-Term Mating Strategies and a chapter on Men's Long-Term Mating Strategies. My dad told me I should go out with my friends and put those strategies to work. But, I stayed in instead. You can read a couple of blogs below and see how Valentine's usually works out for me and this won't be a surprise. But, I can happily say that although I am single, I still had hope that I would have some sort of romantic happening or surprise this past Saturday. The reason that I am happy about that (oh, nothing romantic happened, sorry to keep you hanging) is that it means I'm not jaded. Yep. I still have romantic hopes, and that makes me happy.

Now, back to my Evolutionary Psychology chapters. As you can imagine the chapter on women's mating strategies was quite a bit longer than that of men's. In a nutshell: women want sugar daddies and men want big boobs with lower hip to waist ratios. No news flash there. What was interesting was what I read about the African village weaverbird.

The female weaverbird holds all the cards in this species. The male literally turns himself upside down from his nest and flaps his wings in such a way to get her attention. He does this to show off the nest he has put together. If he is so lucky to get her attention she enters his nest and inspects it. While she is 'judging' his living conditions, he serenades her with a song. Depending on how well the nest is put together and/or how well she likes the song the female weaverbird will either reject it and go on to another upside down male or stay with the present male. It all depends on if everything in the presentation meets the females expectations.

I love it. Those sassy female weaverbirds. They have an idea of what they want and refuse anything less. If only we human females were so sassy. And on top of that they get serenaded while being judgemental. If only human males were so eager to please.

I don't write this as a feminist. I'm not a feminist, or at least not a very good one. Personally, I think sexual harassment can be fun. I write this as a witness to women who put their all into relationships with men whose nest is very, very far from par. They somehow think they can change these men and make them into the prince charmings of fairytales. Why do we do this? It's pretty much the most ridiculous thing ever. Women will fall for these guys who hurt them over and over. And then when the relationship ends the woman hates all men and is jaded forever. In the mean time I wonder how many wonderfully put together nest and beautiful serenades were missed because of all the time wasted trying to make the loser man into something he is not, or never wanted to be.

Don't get me wrong. I think one of the most beautiful things about love is the desire for both parties to want to build up and support the other. Seeing the beauty through the flaws is my favorite part of love. But, I think we get into these relationships expecting the other to get all 'Tom Cruise' on our ass and complete us. That's silliness. Because people leave, people pass away. Forever was never guaranteed. The best thing we could do is be a complete person and offer our whole selves to someone we love. And if they don't want to offer their whole selves, then maybe there is an upside down guy down the road flapping his wings for our attention.

So, lesson from the female weaverbird:
*know what you want and who you are
*don't be afraid to inspect a males nest. might not be what you were looking for, but at least you looked and it will help you get a bit closer to the one's whose nest is just right.
*don't worry about rejecting the nest. there's always going to be another bird.
*if you find what you like and want to stay...then stay. don't carry the baggage of bad weaverbird's in the past into what could be the best nest ever.

Lesson's from the male weaverbird:
*try.
*keep up with your nest. a crappy nest is a lonely nest.
*although it doesn't seem like it, eventually those with less than perfect nest are rejected. keep trying, it'll pay off.
*and nothing beats a good serenade. although, the whole "Say Anything" scene with John Cusak standing in the rain with the radio over his head is great for the movie, there is a creepy factor to it...so just be aware of that.