Love and a 5K

I'm the girl who faked cramps to get out of volleyball. I don't have good luck when it comes to balls and my face...yeah, that made me giggle too. But, seriously sports and I don't get along very well. My son is good at all sports. He's one of those annoying naturals. My one hope was my daughter. She was my sarcastic partner in crime about athletics. But, she betrayed me this past Spring and got herself on the cheer leading team. I didn't even make flag line in Jr. High band...I don't want to talk about it.

This past Spring I was enrolled in Positive Psychology and then this last Summer session in Health Psychology. Both with the same professor and both with a physical goal to be worked on during the semester. So, I decided to work out. I actually impressed myself. I started at putting in the workout DVD, doing 10 minutes of the workout, and then going to the fridge to get cold pizza and watching the last 30 minutes of the DVD on my couch. Now I've worked up to running 3.1 miles in 33 minutes.

My goal is to make it under 30 minutes. This is huge for me. I hate running. I usually mock those hard core, running at 3pm in the hot ass afternoon, runners while driving by them sipping on my White Chocolate Mocha. But, this is different. I've got something to prove now. The before mentioned 'manfriend' is unsure of this. His concern is for my leg. Ah...the damn leg. I dismiss his concern. I'm not helpless. I'm not an amputee. The "incident" was three years ago. The leg will hold up. The leg is a toughie and we shall prevail. So, cut me some slack and shoot me a "way to go." That's all I'm asking.

Of course, as I type this the leg is killing me and I would love for someone to come by and accidentally stab me with a needle full of Morphine. But, I'll be fine.

Oh the things we do to prove ourselves and our self worth to people who may/may not care. Honestly, if they really cared there would be nothing to prove. The evidence is already there. But, that's not enough for us, is it? If I was really truthful, I'd realize I have all the love I need; my family, my friends, God. What more is there to need? Although, I think we all know once I truly accept this, then that means I have let go.

I have to let him go.

Don't misunderstand. This isn't all about before mentioned 'manfriend'. I've got a lot to prove to myself. If I can do 3.1 miles under 30 minutes, that means I took something I never thought I could do; made it a goal; worked towards that goal; and then, holy crap!, what if I achieve this goal? I mean, I want some fireworks and maybe someone there throwing confetti in my face. All that said, will this make my other troubles disappear? Will I be a different person? Will it get me into grad school? Will it help me let go of all those regrets? Will it make someone love me?

No. Of course not. It is just running. Not even towards anything...just round and round in circles. The running will answer none of those questions. At the end of the day it's still up to the girl running in circles.

But, it will feel damn good. And maybe, the next time that jerk that disguises itself as self-doubt creeps back in, I will be able to say: "No problem. If me and 'the leg' can do a 5k in 30 minutes, we can handle this."

An Analytical Look on Why I Hate Analyzing

Fall semester is over. Correction: a very humbling fall semester is over. Nope. Another correction: a very long, stressful, humbling fall semester is over. The long part I blame on my professors (you know who you are), the stressful I blame on everyone else (you know who you are), the humbling I blame on myself (I have to take some responsibility).

This semester I finally had decided on a minor. Writing. Which basically means that if the whole psychology bit doesn't work out I have staring at my computer screen for hours wondering what to write about to fall back on. I'm pretty excited. I don't know what kind of writer I am. I did pretty well in Technical Writing and also in Creative Writing. Either way, I think if Ivana Trump can write and sell a book with the title Free to Love, I have somewhat a chance of being half way successful...and I'm okay with that.

What I am not good at is analyzing. I hate it. Which sucks considering I picked a major and minor that both analyzes everything to death. If only UCA offered degrees in watching TV marathons while eating pizza...mmm, pizza. Anyway, I had to analyze a speech based on its rhetoric. Probably the worst paper ever. Lyndon Johnson's We Shall Overcome was the speech I chose to "dig deeper". I don't want to dig deeper (yeah...I'm going to make a great therapist). The stupid paper had to be 4-5 pages long. That's shorter than my middle school kid's papers and there I was struggling to get through page 2. The question that gets me when analyzing is the question "why?".

Last semester, in American History, I had to analyze a critical article about a book. I had to analyze an article that analyzed another written work. Really? At that point, what more is there to say. I made a good grade on it, but throughout my paper the professor wrote out "why?...explain" beside all my points and observations. My answer..."uh...because...". I don't know why. My question is why do we have to over analyze everything? Why can't we just chalk it up to the writer felt like it, whatever it is he/she wrote?

Basically, I'm lazy. I'm lazy and a whole lotta selfish. I want to write my thoughts based on my own opinions or experiences. Johnson's speech was great. He wanted Civil Rights, but he actually wanted those rights carried out, not just passed through Congress and then forgotten. He was passionate and direct. He held all in America, not just us Southern folks, responsible to carry these rights out. I like Johnson. No one ever thinks of him, but he had balls. That's right. I think Johnson had balls to make a speech like that in 1965 when there was such a divide on the race issue. Unfortunately I can't make that stretch to four pages and I don't think my professor would had appreciated the whole 'he had balls' thing.

I also took Theories of Personality this semester. I never wanted to shoot myself more than I did while reading the 40 page chapter on Carl Jung. And Freud was no picnic either, but at least he has that whole sex and aggression thing to hold my attention. The whole dream analysis, and if you weren't successful at breast feeding or potty training your screwed as an adult, not to mention all the archetypes you could be from your ancestral past; ugh. Which basically means not only are you screwed to an adulthood of unhealthy relationships and horrible dreams if you had trouble breast feeding and potty training, you have to worry about your ancestors screwing you up as well. No one recovers from that.

My stance: sometimes we spend so much time digging in our past looking for answers to our problems, we forget that the answers are here in the present and then never move on. Yes, the past effects us. Yes, we should read others arguments and opinions to help form or confirm our own. Yes, we need to be able to articulate our arguments. But, more importantly we should take a closer look at where we are now and decide where we are going from here. And, also be able to decide what is REALLY important and worth looking deeper at. Not everything is worth it. And the real question shouldn't be why the writer wrote what he/she wrote; it should be why do we have an opinion about it or not have an opinion. Sometimes what doesn't move us is as telling as what does move us.

My very last paper of the semester was a ranking of all the Theorists we studied. It was ranked from least to most of how their theories will influence which type of therapy we'll use in our careers. We studied eleven of them and had to write at least a page on each of their theories. I'm a last hour type of writer. So, I get a little punchy at 2:00am towards the end of the semester. Anyway, as I got to Freud my 'screw it' spirit took over and this is what I wrote:

"The whole oral, anal, phallic, latency stages are lost on me. That’s not my interest. Maybe someone being scared to go potty when they were a kid makes them really up tight to this day, but honestly let’s get the guy a laxative and move on."

I made an A. Punchy works for me.

Analyze what I wrote and let me know what I'm really saying. It needs to be 5-6 pages long and be sure to explain your arguments. Oh...and wish me luck for Spring semester.