That Damn Plant

Well, it's the end of the year.  Today is New Year's Eve; the last day of 2009.  There is such a sense of urgency that comes with New Years Eve.  If there was something you didn't get done, or say, or do, this is the last day and the last chance to do so.  Not to mention how you have to spend that last hour of the day which is also the last hour of the year.  If your not dressed fabulously, going to a fabulous place to do fabulous things with a fabulous other person of which you have to have a fabulous kiss with at the stroke of midnight...well, your whole next year is pretty much going to suck.  The future of your existence is at stake if you don't properly celebrate this day.  So, you better hurry.  Hurry, I say!!

Actually, I'm just going to pay some utility bills (they're a little on the late side), probably eat some chips and cheese dip, and start some laundry.  My last hours of the night will be spent on my couch wondering why Ryan Seacrest is famous and I'm not while eating fudge from Christmas.  A part of me is kind of looking forward to that.

To be honest, I'm a little disappointed in myself about this past year.  This time last year I had a plan.  I was going to get my debt under control; I was going to only make A's and maybe an occasional B in my courses;  I was going to let go of that one thing that has hurt so much; I was going to keep my room and car clean.  Well, I'm still a little behind in everything that has a payment due date; my grades match the initials of my name; I still haven't let go; and let's just say if you need a ride give me a few minutes to throw the mountain of stuff in my passenger seat to the back seat (hey I was looking for that coffee mug).  Oh, how easily promises to yourself can be broken. 

My birthday is a week and one day after New Years.  Last year my sister and him each gave me the same kind of plant.  Although I love them, I do not keep plants.  There are those incredible and magical people in my family that can give a plant a wink and a smile and that plant will instantly bloom into a mystifying flower that sparkles and dances on command . (Okay, that's an over exaggeration.  But my grandparents, my mom, and my Aunt Char know how to keep plants pretty).  I, on the other hand, am a plant murderer wanted in three states.  I forget to water them or whatever else it is you do with them.  That's why I'm not good with animals either.  Love the thought of them, but so much trouble having to feed and water them.  It's really a wonder my kids are still alive and thriving.

So, I have these two plants and I decide to include them in my New Years plan.  I was going to keep them alive.  I watered , placed in the window sill, talked to them.  Those first few weeks I went through paperwork, I purged, I cleaned, and I made out a budget.  I think I even exercised for two whole weeks in a row!  This would be the year that I would become new and improved; out of debt and the keeper of alive plants!  Woo Hoo!

My sister's plant died around week three.

As the year went on, I did what I always do.  I gave up.  I got discouraged.  I stopped trying as hard. I let myself get hurt.  I forgot to pray.  Disorganization and his gang of debt, frustration, resentment and procrastination crept back into my life.  It was, by all accounts, a hard and rather crappy year.  The thing that really sucks about all of this, is that I am not under the illusion or in denial about the fact that there is no one to blame for this but myself.  I see how and where I went wrong, I even know what needs to be done to fix these things.  But, I just never stick to it.

It was yesterday, New Years Eve Eve, that it hit me.  I was up in my room, getting ready for laundry day, when I just dissolved into tears.  It was one of those horrible crying fits where your eyes are puffy for hours after.  I looked like I was having an allergic reaction to shell fish all day.  I just hated the fact that I was pretty much in the same place I was last year.  So, there I was sitting on the floor in my room, violently crying about how much my life sucked and how much of a disappointment I am and yelling out to God "why!?!" (of which I could almost feel Him rolling his eyes at me), when I looked up and saw the plant the he gave me on the window sill.  It's pretty sad looking, but alive.  There's only four leaves left and two of those are half brown.  But, it was still alive.  A whole year and maybe five waterings later, it was still alive.

That's when something else hit me.  This past year, with all that happened, was the closest I had come to meeting my goals.  I'm still in school, I still have my home, the lights are still on, my kids are still alive and they are truly amazing.  My life is good.  No, my life is incredible.  I have so much to do and so much to accomplish, and I haven't a clue about how to start.  But, I guess maybe I've already started.  I never thought I'd be good mom, but I am.  And I'm still in school, and graduation is a year away.  I, Angela Clark, will be college graduate in a year (I was barely a high school graduate).  As far as love...last year I was determined to get it.  This year, it would be nice.  But it's not a need, it'd be more of an add on.


No plans this next year.  No resolutions.  No empty promises.  Every moment will be taken as it comes.  I pray I will savor them all.  I'm sure I won't, but I'll give it a try.  And maybe at some point that plant will bloom again...although I'm probably not going to plan on it.