Love and a 5K (the remix)

Went to the doctor yesterday and it turns out the pain in my ankle has an actual name. I forget what it is, but it ends in "itis". So, I'm taking an anti-inflammatory and will need to lay off the running for a bit.

And you know...it's okay. He said I could still swim or use the elliptical. I thought, "let's not get carried away with this whole fitness thing doc", but smiled and nodded instead.

I really wanted that 5K in 30 minutes. But, it's okay. I'll work my way back to it. I got really close, and that felt really good. Plus, it's kind of cool having a running injury. I mean, who would have thought? Certainly not me or anyone who knows me.

I think I've let go. Or at least am really close. And that feels good as well. Trying so hard to make something work, or holding on to something that doesn't want to be held,  is so tiresome. And hurtful.

There's something else out there. I haven't found it, but knowing it's out there is comforting beyond words.

As for you, 5K....I'll get you yet.
Not tomorrow. But one day...

Love and a 5K

I'm the girl who faked cramps to get out of volleyball. I don't have good luck when it comes to balls and my face...yeah, that made me giggle too. But, seriously sports and I don't get along very well. My son is good at all sports. He's one of those annoying naturals. My one hope was my daughter. She was my sarcastic partner in crime about athletics. But, she betrayed me this past Spring and got herself on the cheer leading team. I didn't even make flag line in Jr. High band...I don't want to talk about it.

This past Spring I was enrolled in Positive Psychology and then this last Summer session in Health Psychology. Both with the same professor and both with a physical goal to be worked on during the semester. So, I decided to work out. I actually impressed myself. I started at putting in the workout DVD, doing 10 minutes of the workout, and then going to the fridge to get cold pizza and watching the last 30 minutes of the DVD on my couch. Now I've worked up to running 3.1 miles in 33 minutes.

My goal is to make it under 30 minutes. This is huge for me. I hate running. I usually mock those hard core, running at 3pm in the hot ass afternoon, runners while driving by them sipping on my White Chocolate Mocha. But, this is different. I've got something to prove now. The before mentioned 'manfriend' is unsure of this. His concern is for my leg. Ah...the damn leg. I dismiss his concern. I'm not helpless. I'm not an amputee. The "incident" was three years ago. The leg will hold up. The leg is a toughie and we shall prevail. So, cut me some slack and shoot me a "way to go." That's all I'm asking.

Of course, as I type this the leg is killing me and I would love for someone to come by and accidentally stab me with a needle full of Morphine. But, I'll be fine.

Oh the things we do to prove ourselves and our self worth to people who may/may not care. Honestly, if they really cared there would be nothing to prove. The evidence is already there. But, that's not enough for us, is it? If I was really truthful, I'd realize I have all the love I need; my family, my friends, God. What more is there to need? Although, I think we all know once I truly accept this, then that means I have let go.

I have to let him go.

Don't misunderstand. This isn't all about before mentioned 'manfriend'. I've got a lot to prove to myself. If I can do 3.1 miles under 30 minutes, that means I took something I never thought I could do; made it a goal; worked towards that goal; and then, holy crap!, what if I achieve this goal? I mean, I want some fireworks and maybe someone there throwing confetti in my face. All that said, will this make my other troubles disappear? Will I be a different person? Will it get me into grad school? Will it help me let go of all those regrets? Will it make someone love me?

No. Of course not. It is just running. Not even towards anything...just round and round in circles. The running will answer none of those questions. At the end of the day it's still up to the girl running in circles.

But, it will feel damn good. And maybe, the next time that jerk that disguises itself as self-doubt creeps back in, I will be able to say: "No problem. If me and 'the leg' can do a 5k in 30 minutes, we can handle this."

Dear Carl,

It's been awhile since you left us. I'm sorry it has taken so long to write you. Words don't come as easily to me as I would like. There seems to be so much I should say, but little time or ability to say them. Although, I think we both know that's just an excuse. I know where you are. I know there is peace, no disappointment, no cares, no pain.  You've always been patient.

I think of you often. There was distance between me and my dad while I was growing up. You filled that void. You filled the void beautifully. You and Rozelle are the reason magnolia trees make me smile, the reason I hear the different songs of birds, and the reason that even on the darkest of days I am still amazed by the smallest blooms.

You also taught me that shining your own shoes is an art; gardens are a refuge; one of the best ways to say 'I love you' is through homemade pies and  heart shaped pancakes; when family visits, every night should be popcorn and game night; love the Cardinals; and being a Christian means no matter how many times someone falls, you stand there and hold your hand out to help them back up. Thank you for helping me back up.

Rozelle still feels you with her. Since you left, her memory as worsened. She's never quite sure where she is or who is around her. But, even in the middle of her confusion, she'll mention that she still feels you with her.You should know that...you probably already do. She remembers you perfectly. And it is the most beautiful thing  when I see her face as she talks about you. She remembers everything.

As I write this, I know one day soon she'll go to where you are. I guess it is possible to have hurt and joy at the same time. She belongs with you, you belong to her. You married my hero. Which makes you my hero as well. And you two are the perfect example of what love should be. And you raised my mother, who is the strongest woman I have ever known.  I'm not sure why God let me be a part of this family, but I am sure of how grateful I am and that it is a gift.

Thank you. I wish I had more poetic words to say. I wish I could think of some extraordinary phrase that ties up all I feel about you perfectly. But, all there is is just gratefulness. So, thank you. Thank you for being the kind of man I want my son to grow up to be, and my daughter to have love her. Thank you for hearing God's voice and following through. Thank you for teaching us so much.

I'm glad you finally made it home. I know you held on for us. All you taught is still with us. It always will be.
We'll see you soon...

Love,
Angela