The Perfect Man

David Bell was my very first crush. It was kindergarten at Chambers Elementary in Houston. He was in my class and he was perfect. David Bell was everything a five year old girl could want in a five and a half year old boy: never ate glue, never picked his nose, nice to girls, had brown hair to match his deep brown eyes, and he had two perfectly placed dimples that lit up the room when he smiled. I hearted him immensely. Of course I never made this known. And I'm sure that he never noticed me staring at him awkwardly and then quickly jerking my head in the other direction when he looked back at me...multiple times throughout the day. Actually, now that I think about it, I wonder if he remembers me as "that girl in kindergarten who may have had tourettes". Needless to say, we never spoke to each other. I guess I was waiting for that perfect moment with the right words to say, and then we would become the "it" couple of Chambers Elementary. Having a boyfriend in kindergarten was the best because it meant the boy let the girl have his turn on the swings. So I really wanted him to like me.

Then the perfect opportunity came in the form of the Valentines Day school recital. David Bell was chosen to sing "Let Me Call You Sweetheart". Not only to sing it, but to sing it wearing a suit, holding a rose, and to a girl sitting on a stool. The best part was at the end of the song he would kiss the girl on the cheek! I was estatic. This would be my perfect moment. Not only was I a girl, I had cheeks, and no one could sit on a stool better than I could (just ask my parents). A handful of girls and I "auditioned" for the part of sweetheart. I was focused and determined to be the chosen one. Evidentally so was the short girl in the seat in front of me. She had a bad bob hair cut, wore knee high socks, and her glasses were thick enough to serve as coasters. I don't know what happened or why the teacher hated me so much, but 'bad bob hair cut' girl was chosen over me. I was placed in a chorus for some song I don't remember. What I do remember is being backstage, watching my David Bell sing my song to 'thick coaster glasses' girl, giving her my rose, and then kissing her on what should have been my cheek. I was devastated. And although it wasn't his fault - I was done with my first perfect guy. David Bell has the honor of being my first crush and my first heartache.

I did not let this heartache make me bitter and turn me into the middle school girl with all the cats. I rose above, and found love again. Their names were William Katt, Hans Solo, and Charles Ingalls (not the actual Charles Ingalls, the one played by Michael Landon). And yes, really: William Katt from The Greatest American Hero. I fell in love with his curly golden locks of hair, his sense of humor, and the way he rocked those red tights. Unfortunately the show was canceled after three seasons, so I had to end that relationship. But then Hans Solo came into my life. He was perfect because he always kept his cool, had snappy come-backs, and knew how to fly cool ships. Plus he wasn't near as whiny as Luke. I tried to be all Princess Leia and do the two bun thing. It was not successful, but I did try. Along with my hotties William Katt and Hans, I fell in love with Charles Ingalls. He embodied everything I thought a perfect man to be. That man knew his Bible, could chop some wood, fight outlaws, and passionately kiss Carolyn Ingalls all in one episode. Perfection.

Looking back as an adult it seems these three have little in common. And if these childhood crushes are to serve as a map to what I'm looking for in a man today - it's no wonder I'm still single at thirty-four. Evidentally I like men who can quote scripture while they build log cabins wearing a red unitard and have awkwardly hairy freinds. I gotta tell you - those kind of men are hard to come by.

All that said, I am not on a quest for the perfect guy. It wouldn't be fair because I am far from the perfect girl. I'm actually sort of a mess. A fun-loving, charming mess; but still a mess. In fact, I have broken two bones in my body: my right arm in 3rd grade, and my left leg in 2007. Both times were because I was trying something stupid to impress a boy. Neither were impressed by the way. Therefore, what you see is what you get; I'm running out of limbs (my apologies to any future potential manfriend).

A man I dated shortly awhile back once asked me, "what do you want?" We had been discussing our relationship status or if there even was a relationship to have as a status. The question caught me off guard. It had been awhile since I really thought about what I wanted, and I thought it'd be awkward if I blurted out, "William Katt". Also, there had never been a list for what constituted 'a perfect guy' or 'the guy I want'. If I had to make one I guess it might look like this:

• fidelity
• not a serial killer
• lets me have the last piece of pizza
• shows interest 
• will tell me about his day, and let me tell him about mine

I fumbled around with my actual answer and can't even really remember what I said. But by the end of the conversation he expressed he wasn't ready to be exclusive and I just wanted some coffee - so that didn't really work out.

I do have a reputation of being a romantic. My ex manfriend used to joke that all I did was day dream about unicorns and rainbows all day. Which, in my defense, is not the worst thing in the world to day dream about. Rainbows happen to be very pretty and unicorns are mystical creatures. I also love a good romantic comedy and most power ballads; I just can't help myself. And indeed, if you were to ask me what I wanted two or three years ago, I probably would have answered "I want love". But I've realized I already have an abundance of love. There is an incredible group of people in my life who love me, even when I don't make it easy. It has been this group of people who listen to me  without judgement, pray for me continously, and encourage me when I'm down. I am surrounded by love. There is no shortage of it in my life. And for me to think that I am somehow lacking because I don't have a "someone special" is a disservice to them and to myself.

The truth is I don't believe in soul mates as far as 'there is one particular person out there for each of us and the universe is working throughout our lives to bring us together'. Basically I don't believe in the movie Serendipty (although I love it and will watch it anytime it's on TNT; and Gladiator, I watch Gladiator every time it's on TNT. But I'm getting off subject). I don't believe that there is a "one" out there for each of us. If we meet someone and like being around them and are willing and have the desire to put in the effort to keep that person in our lives (as long as they are putting in the same amount of effort), then at the point of making that commitment - of saying "I do" - that person then becomes our soul mate. I also believe that sometimes we don't meet someone, or things don't work out. Not all of us end up with a great romantic love story. And I think that is just fine. Being single is no tragedy, and actually has a lot of perks. Especially around tax season when I get to claim 'head of household'.

Now don't take all this as me rejecting the idea of being in a relationship, or knocking romance. I have been in love before. And it was great. Although it didn't work out, I have no regret or bitterness about the time I had with him. Not to get all "inspirational facebook post" on you; but I truly believe love is the greatest thing we have to give. I feel lucky to have had the opportunity to love him, and would never change feeling that way.
And as an aside: if you love someone you should tell them. Even if they may not love you. Because time is too short and precious to waste on fear or insecurity. I think everyone deserves to know if they are loved, even if those feelings are not recipocated.

If I was asked today, "what do you want?" from a relationship, my answer would be "simplicity". I don't have to have fireworks or be swept off my feet. Some of the best examples in my life of 'good couples' are the quiet ones. The couples who talk to each other and can be themselves around each other, who realize every fight isn't the end of the world, who can roll their eyes at the other's annoying quirks and move on, who realize they are not in the relationship to complete the other but to advocate for them - those are the ones I know will make it. That is the kind of relationship I want - simple, equal, and selfless. And if you were to ask me what kind of man I want, the above list still stands with maybe the addition of the following:

• truthful
• is not a Kid Rock fan
• puts forth effort
• wonderfully flawed
• lets me be wonderfully flawed

And if he happens to know the words to the song "Let Me Call You Sweetheart"; well that'd be almost perfect.