beauty

I'm not sure if you have picked up on it or not, but I've been a little down lately. So many things are happening, so little things are getting done. This has caused me to be blind to certain things in my daily life that otherwise would bring a goofy smile to my face. Love is funny. This is no new concept. Right when love and I had decided to go on a "break'', I see some of the greatest examples of it.

I went to a Switchfoot concert the other week in downtown Little Rock. It was the perfect night. Cool breeze off the river, gorgeous sunset, and me and my kids rocking out to one of our favorite bands. One of the bands that opened for them was a fun punk rock Christian band. I decided then and there that punk rock Christians were my favorite type of Christians. They wear the same type of tight jeans and same amount of eye liner as other punk rockers, but they are in alot better moods. The sister of one of the band members sat near us with all her friends. Her excitement for her brother and their performance was amazing. She gushed about each song and danced non stop in support of him. (An aside: yes. contrary to popular belief, Christians do dance...I've been a Christian, a Southern Baptist Christian, since I was seven and I can do some of the best robot moves ever seen... ever.)

In front of us was a young couple. The guy had no problem displaying his love for the band, he threw his fist in the air, nodded his head and mouthed the words as all good fans do at concerts. She, on the other hand, was a little more subdued. She watched the band intently with a smile thrown at her partner every now and again. During one song he turned and looked at her for a full minute, never glancing away. He grinned as he watched her watching the performance and then leaned over and kissed her forehead gently. Without thought she laid her head on his shoulder and they both looked as if they fit perfectly.


A few seats down a dad was there with his two sons and a little girl. He laughed as the little girl danced to all the songs, and he looked proud when he got to explain to his son how the lead singer made his voice sound cool when he put his mouth to his guitar. But, the best moment was when I was singing along and dancing to a song and looked down to see both my kids doing the same. We were pretty rockin. And I know my day is coming that I won't be the one they want to hang out with. Soon I will be embarrassing or, dare I say it, boring. But, for that one night I was the coolest mom in the world. It was perfect.

Moving along with my examples of love is one of my current favorites. I work at Cold Water Creek. Yes, Cold Water Creek: where your mother or grandmother gets all her Christmas cardigans. Off the subject, I will let you know that we are currently selling not only a low rise denim, but a distressed low rise denim. Ha! Take that Talbots. Anyway, back on subject.

A few weeks ago an elderly couple came into our store. She was a bubbly woman, in her mid eighties, who was looking for a skirt. He came in with a scow on his face and headed straight to our chairs, never making eye contact with anyone. As I helped her find some skirts and blouses to match, he just sat in the chair looking as if he was auditioning for Grumpy Men 3: The Revenge.

She found a skirt she liked. It was a little fitted and showed her shape quite nicely. She walked to where her husband was sitting to ask his opinion. He grumbled that she didn't usually wear skirts and she snapped "that's why I'm buying one, I don't have any!" Still standing in front of him, she turned her back to him to look at the rest of the store. He then proceeded to very slowly lift up her shirt to take a good gander at her backside. When she realized what he was doing she whipped her head around and responded "Well. Do you like what you see back there?", he grinned from ear to ear and replied "Yes. Yes I do." She blushed and smiled at his reply and almost skipped back to the fitting room. Needless to say, she bought the skirt.

And then we come to Rozelle and Carl. Sixty five years of marriage. They've seen poverty, success, sicknesses, triumphs, five kids, one miscarriage, fourteen grandchildren, eleven great-grandchildren, retirements, diabetes, dementia, nursing home. My grandparents are the great love story I continue to watch. At one of our family dinners last month my grandmother got up to get a drink and as she walked past my grandfather he reached out to stop her and looked up at her and simply said "I'm in love with you." She grinned at him and said "I'm in love with you."

I want love. I want undramatic, pure, beautiful, honest, sweet, faithful love. Leave your violins at home. Take your fireworks somewhere else. I want a man that will still check out my ass when I'm eighty-five. Okay, I'd like a man to check out my ass now...but that's neither here nor there. I want a man that can look at me in the eyes and say "I'm in love with you." I don't want your fear of commitment, I want your willingness to take a chance and throw your whole heart into a relationship. I ache for this.

So, even though I am not fully on speaking terms with love yet, I do appreciate all it has to offer. And every day with examples of the beauty love brings (yes, I'm aware of how incredibly cheesy and syrupy that sounds...shut up) I get closer and closer to having full faith restored in it. In the mean time, I will make sure more women buy more skirts, visit my grandparents more, and start doing squats. I gotta make sure my future man has something to look at.

just a word

The thought of getting into my car and just driving has never sounded so appealing as it does at this moment. To just drive and drive would be so amazing. Around 3:00am I would stop at some truck stop diner where the men wear flannel shirts and the waitresses call you "hon". No talking or explaining. Nothing to answer to or to question. Just to drive anywhere and have a clean slate. Ghosts of the past wouldn't be able to keep up, I would drive so fast.

I wonder who I would be. I could be some sassy kick ass girl that doesn't take any crap from anyone. Or the vixen that always gets the free drinks and the guys at the end of the night. I could be quiet and mysterious, the talk of the town. Maybe I would go for the life of the party, no fear or inhibitions. I wouldn't be weak, I wouldn't get hurt, I wouldn't cry, and I wouldn't be so angry. But, it doesn't work that way. It never does. Because ghosts catch up, and your old self never really dies. So I stay. And I stay the girl I am and always have been. I don't know how to be anyone else, and it's about damn time I accept it. I will stay and face the hurt of disappointment, I will stay and fight the temptation of resentment. I will stay and simply get over it.

The only thing more extraordinary than our fear of moving is our fear of staying. We don't want to settle. To miss out on the next best thing would be disastrous. To settle is death. So we are willing to let go of what we have on the hope that there is something better out there. This is why sometimes I really piss myself off. And this is why he pisses me off to this day. "Making it work" is unacceptable, so we run as far away as we can. We are cowards disguised as ambitious, adventurous and free spirited.

Dream big, and if you don't make it it's because you didn't want it bad enough. But, in all honesty sometimes, no matter what you do, dreams don't come true. That was never promised to us. No where was there a contract signed that said "If you work really hard, and do all the right things then all your dreams will come true". Yet, we tell ourselves this and let ourselves feel completely deflated when our dreams don't happen. And to be crudely honest, I think that's a load of shit. What morons we can be.

How many of us go through each day looking for something better and not seeing what we have? Contentment is the enemy. And you think I'm saying not to try or fight for anything. You think I'm saying "settle" because it doesn't get better. That's not what I'm saying at all. Yes, work hard, better yourself in anyway you can. But, instead of looking for a better place or life, find the beauty of where you are right now. Be great in the place you currently find yourself. The truth is, if you aren't great where you are right now, you won't be great in any other place. That's what being a light is, that's what makes certain people shine, the ones who are remembered for doing extraordinary things. They are able to be extraordinary no matter where they are.

I don't follow through. I don't shine. I once was told I had no spark. That above anything else that has been said to me, hurt the most. It hurt because deep down I fear it's true. Everyday I struggle to swallow this fear and to just get moving. But, as soon as I get three steps ahead I stop and slowly walk back. God has been too good to me. I haven't kept up my end of the deal with Him, and even still He has kept His promise. I don't deserve that. Grace is a funny thing. It is so incredible and beautiful, but I question it and why it's used on me.

We pray for faith, but avoid using it. We pray for strength and expect a lightening bolt, but won't take any action where we can call upon it to use. The first step is the hardest and we avoid like the plague. And we do this knowing that if we took that first step, and used complete faith that we'll make it to the second step, that we'll have strength to get to the third. And pretty soon we end up exactly where we are supposed to be. True happiness. True freedom from the weight upon our backs, from working so hard and not having a clue as to what we are working for.

I'm tired and sad. Typing this is my version of a long drive on a summer's night. I feel like I've rambled and don't even want to read this to see if it makes sense. I just needed to use what little voice I have at the moment. I had almost forgotten that no one is born extraordinary. I've used that as an excuse for my defeats. Extraordinary people are quite ordinary actually. They just took that first step. I'll find my spark. I'll remember to ask Him what to do with it. There are things for me to do. There are things for you to do. And it's time to get moving. It's time for you to shine now, it's been that time for awhile. I'll remember to shine, too.

No matter where I am.